Well, this workout does none of these things. Don't worry though, your inability to move your arms up to your mouth will not impede the possibility of puking your guts out...

I affectionately call this the Murder Log:
Using a Strongman Log- Load the bar with 187lbs (or close to it) for Men, 100lbs for Women and do 30 Clean and Presses in the fastest time possible.
Then go immediately to:
Dumbbell Benching- Pick a weight and bench it for 10 minutes straight.
Multiply the time it took to complete 30 reps by the weight you used for benching.
Multiply that number by 150. The product equals the number of calories you now have to eat (within an hour of finishing the workout) in order to not die in your sleep the evening after completing the two exercises.
For example, here are my numbers:
8 minutes and 45 seconds for the log (8.45) x 30lbs for the benching (30) x 150 = a 16inch meat lovers Stromboli and a gallon of gatorade... then the remaining 30,000 calories were from whole sticks of butter and baconators.

Disclaimer: If you make it through the workout, then you are awesome. If by some freak genetic anomaly you are able to eat the amount of resulting calories from the above equation, then you are my hero.
Solum Per Exitum.
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